|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| evening
haven't updated due to being banned from being online.
i'm moving xanga soon anyway, so there won't be much to read on here...
oh, and the background pic is meant to be lee scoresby for any of you who care.
byebye | | |
| face pressed up against the bars
the children skipping across the yard
i hope for one moment, that we could be
with them again, skipping so free
----
to be continued | | |
| xanga has become something of a dead loss recently, writer's block...
little to say for myself recently, changing college course isn't going well at all. i walked last night, even if there is nowhere to walk really, my dad assuming i had run away. it felt like a dream, there was a fox snooping around the back of a pub...and a short, rather rotund gentleman in a grey suit, wearing a red christmas hat with little light up santas on it. he seemed to be babbling some sort of jewish incantation...
while i can still remember it, here's a dream i had (order of events is sketchy, i only recall dreams in parts):
i was in this bar with a group of people from school, i kept seeing chris b. walking around with another group. he approached me and started being really nasty...then his knees started falling to pieces, and he found it hard to stand. he was crying, telling me about something i don't remember, ending with "by this time next week, i'll never have to get a train again". i think he was holding a train pass in his hand.
then he just walked away, or staggered away, through a door, until he came to this girl standing in his way. instead of asking her to move, or simply go around, he lifted her up and placed her down, very carefully, to one side. for some reason i found this highly amusing, and seemed to awaken because of it.
that's about the second time i've dreamt about that school. i couldn't stand him when we were at school though, and i haven't even seen him since. i haven't seen many people since i left. only one intentionally...
i'm sure i must have dreamt more, but i barely ever seem to remember them in full. which is a shame, as they can occasionally be quite weird. | | |
| forgive me for the doubtlessly lengthy entry.
*******************************
we walked through gardens, so cold the flowers painted upon maddened skies, hanging like a saviour through troubled times.
the sky as a canopy, blanketing the lines, of which no-one saw.
we captured an ideal, that moment we cried, together as one, when love flew through our skies. darkened times a-waiting, an unpredicted onslaught, swarming over 'what it was we had.'
the dam burst, the villages flooded.
enough water to drown out the world.
to silence it's cries.
no-one could scream through this. the barrier too great. too strong, too heavy, built up by hate. take the safe escape, the jetplane instead of the bus, a quick route to Heaven, a place to suit us. this world was too cruel, our bodies out of fuel.
we'll float out of them, evacuate our souls
get this world out of my eyes.
love,
make me blind again.
*******************************
this weekend...didn't exactly go as planned.
*be warned as i have a lot to vent*
i assumed i'd be fine. i wasn't apprehensive about going at all...
okay okay, i'll rewind a little. what am i talking about? last year someone decided we (as in, the whole family) should go to a converted barn in derbyshire and stay for a few days. in celebration of someone's birthday i believe was the excuse. so this year we do the same. last year was okay. this year. was not. i doubt very much that any of this will make sense, so do bear with me. then it'll make even less sense. i suppose i may explain tomorrow.
we arrived around 7pm most likely. the second we got in i wanted to be away. i had to get out. there were too many people. too many people i'd known my whole life, and apparently should be comfortable with. this was my father's beleagured theory anyhow. stupid stupid person. i barely remember what happened on the friday night we arrived. probably not too much. i guess my mind allowed me to act normally. and by normally i probably said vast amounts of stupid things, and acted very unlike me. like a very uncomfortable person in a very uncomfortable situation.
saturday we went out as a family. that did not work at all. i can't 'act'...i can't be myself around other people at all. when we got back, i isolated myself from them all and listened to music whilst reading. music was...my saviour for the weekend. the day wasn't too bad though in retrospect.
sunday morning i awoke in the knowledge that i couldn't face another outing with 'them'. so i told my dad i couldn't. fathers seem to not understand anything other than the language of being obnoxious and shouting unfortunately. so i probably got very pissed off, and he allowed me to stay.
so i did. i lay down on one of the beds, and felt like i was going to explode. my mind totally full of anxiety and panic. like a volcano. although it wouldn't erupt. i can't release anxiety in the form of an attack. i just can't. i don't think i'd want to, but i know i can't. so i ran round the house in distress, like a mouse chased by an axe wielding mother mouse threatening to trim his tail. i can't explain this too well. i know i don't suffer from panic as bad as a lot of people do, but for me this was the worst it got.
and then we came home.
i avoided any more major traumas.
thank goodness.
..this song and two others are such great healers.. | | |
|
